Blues and Purple Rain

Tonight I am sitting at my computer, listening to Prince's Purple Rain (Just got it via BMG Music Club) trying to catch up with friends. No such luck. But I was able to finially log onto Nicole's web site. For some reason I can rarely get a link to work. But tonight I got to do a little reading about her, her family, her life, and so forth. I find some, but little relief in that. It pales in comparison to being able to hug them, laugh with them, and look them in the eye.
It has been a very long time since I saw most of my friends. Angie and I have tried to get together a few times, but it hasn't worked. But I refuse to give up.
Thank God John works for United and can fly for free.
I am making a nice little life here, and even a few new friends, a couple I think I will be friends with until, well, until Corey graduates high school and I move to NY  to live in poverty for the sake of seeing a Broadyway show every week until the day I die.  And I am glad I am making those friends.
But, I am sitting here missing my old friends and remebering old times. Good music, bad clothes, big laughs, fun nights, and broken hearts.
I miss you guys. All of you!

First Broken Heart

Do you remember your first broken heart? I am not talking about a girl/guy thing. But the first time your heart broke?
Well, it a happened to Corey today. And we are both still crying.
I returned home from a long day at work and an even longer visit to the grocery store, to find a message on the answering machine that broke my son's heart.
At 12:55 today a message was left that stated that Corey's baseball team was chosen to be the "Dream Team" for the local Division A Pro Baseball team. This means that Corey's team would be introduced to the crowd and wait next to the dugout. As the announcer called off the Eugene Emerald's roster, the kids would run out to the base/position they played with the pro-ball player of the same position. 
Here is the problem. The game was today. That's right TODAY. At 7:05 pm. I got the message at 7:00. Corey listened to the message with me. He knows what the dream team is and immediately looks at the clock. He knows that we missed it. My son's face turns white and he hides his face in the arm of the sofa. He sits silently for about a minute and then he begins to weep. His heart is broken.
I know for a fact that at least four people knew about this yesterday and did not call. If they had only called yesterday. If they had only called me at work today. The pain I feel for my son is agonizing. He has seen the Dream Team and commented that he wished his team could do that. Please let me point out that my son did not say that he wished HE could do that. But that his team could. Unselfishly dreaming as usual. Well I guess he got his wish. His TEAM did get to do it. But he didn't. He thought of his team, but they didn't think of him.
And there is nothing I can do to fix it. Nothing. Not a damn thing. I can not make this better or make it right. I think of how hard my son struggled to play baseball. How hard he worked to fit in with the rest of the team. How much he endured. He deserved to be there tonight. He deserved every moment of that. And he was cheated of it.
What makes it worse is that he was cheated by adults. His heart was needlessly broken by a coach he admired. How hard was it for him to pick up the phone as soon as he heard about it? The call we got was from another mom. Not the coach or the team mom.
I know I am sounding dramatic or as if I am over reacting, but if you were here to listen to my son weep for over twenty minutes, you would be upset too. It was the weep of a shattered heart. Do you remember that pain? Have you seen a child, your child, experience it? It is worst pain to watch him suffer through. Because there is no medicine to make it stop, no amount of consoling to numb it, there is nothing you can do. It is so deeply felt and strongly experienced. He doesn't know what to do with it. And all I could do was weep with him.
This experience is one of the worst in my life. My child's first broken heart. I would rather suffer a million of my own than to have him go through that. I think that is the worst pain I have felt as a mother yet. Turely. I hate today.  

Happy Birthday My Love

Today my beautiful son turns 7 years old. SEVEN!
It is hard to believe in all honesty. The last seven years have had many ups and downs, and motherhood is tremendously challenging. But I can honestly say that I can not imagine my life with out him. Everyday. There is not a day gone by that was not made sweeter by his mere existence.
It's funny, I sometimes wish I had a day to myself, with no mothering responsibilities. But when I get one, I don't know what to do with myself. No matter what I do, it feels, well ... empty. Like something is missing.
I made a decision, almost eight years ago, to dedicate my life to my unborn child. I knew what that meant. I never knew, however, that I would quickly reach a point where I had no idea how to function with out him.
Even stranger still, I thought that the midnight feedings, the sleepless nights, diapers, and temper tantrums would be the most difficult. I was wrong.
My son now faces social issues that I am not prepared for. Bullies, girls, clicks, sports, academics, etc. It is sooooo hard to watch as he learns how to juggle it all. It is unfairly difficult to allow him to feel his own way through friendships, learning, and losing.
As I watched my son play baseball, my stomach would turn to knots, because I so desperately wanted him to be proud of himself. When, at the awards ceremony, the coach called Corey "The Heart of the Team", I hid behind the video camera and cried. He worked very hard all season. And although he was the weakest link on the team, he never gave up, not once. Even when teased and embarrassed, my son went out there and gave it his all.
Corey has had to adjust to a new environment, new schools, new people, a new life. But through it all, good and bad, there's that little boy with a big smile or a stern look of concentration. Ready for what ever the day brings.
Everyday my son amazes, amuses, or refreshes me. He is witty, kind, peaceful, and very loving. He shares his whole heart with everyone he knows. He never turns his back on a friend, even those who have wronged him. He cares about people, animals, and feels passionately about justice and equality. He is the best person I know, and everyday I learn from him. Everyday.
The last seven years have passed so quickly, and we have both grown so much. I only hope I can keep up.
Happy Birthday to a very wonderful boy, a kind soul, a gentle heart, a quick whit, and joyful spirit.
Happy Birthday to my son, Corey.