Mom, why didn't you tell me...??????

As you grow from new born to adult, your mother teaches you sooooo many things. And we all know what those fundamental basics are. Plus, she teaches us about love, relationships, life, make-up, manners, and even about mothering.
But what about the crap she did not tell you about?
Like the fact that by the time I was 31 I would have to look for push up bra's. Not because I am flat chested, but because my breast seem to be afraid of my shoulders, and are running to my belly button for safety.
Or that when you find your first gray hair you should not pluck it because 11 more will grow in its place.
She warned us about the foods that will go from feeding a craving, to now creating their on zip code on our hips. But why didn't she tell us about the foods that were once harmless will now give us heart burn so intense we feel like we performed a fire swallowing act at the freak show circus.
Why did I find out on my own, with no warning from dear old mom, that every time I laugh, sneeze, or God forbid cough, that I would wet myself a little. What the hell is that? You mean to tell me that despite going to the bathroom 10 minutes ago, that I will be leaving pee stains in my panties everytime I snicker or clear my throat?
And if you knew that, why, while teaching me how to hide a grease stain on my blouse, did you not teach me how to hide the puddle starting at my inseam and ending at my sock that was caused by a coughing fit?
Why wasn't I warned that even a glass of water will make me gassy? I, the most modest person on the planet about bodily functions and noises, now ends up in cold sweats trying to contain air bubbles brewing inside my lower belly because I dared to eat a Tic-Tac!!!!
And at what age did my brain click over from fashion to function? Huh Mom? Why didn't she warn us that we would go from cute little panties and lace bras to granny underwear and over the shoulder boulder holders?
Why wasn't mom busy preparing us for these things rather than how to properly fold a napkin? I would like to know the creative way to cross my legs while coughing to disguise the fact that I am hoping to hold my bladder in it's place.
Did they not share these things with us because it was taboo for their generation? Maybe it was revenge for rolling our eyes every time they did try to tell us something. OR, could it be, that we wouldn't believe them until it happened?
Whatever the reason it sucks. And I would like to know if there are any more surprises waiting for me before the age of 40?